Sports & Wellness

6 Quick Calorie-Burning Tips for the Winter Season

By
Shoghi Taha
on
October 9, 2018


The last green leaf has turned brown and it’s getting chillier by the minute, which means that winter is coming. Game of Thrones references aside, all the fun summer activities used for weight loss are no longer available and with the upcoming holiday season, now would be the time to gain it all back . This doesn’t necessarily have to be true.  Our health experts have found quick, easy-to-follow tips that can help you stave off those extra pounds and lose even more than you would at a three day summer boot camp session.

1. Powder is love, powder is life

The cornerstone of any workout plan is its accompanying diet. You may have heard of some of the fancy ones like Keto, Paleo, Homeo and Oreo but those require planning, dedication and time. This is a list about quick tips, not effective ones. What you want to do is go all powder, all day, every day. You know the tubs of Creatine that cost hundreds of dollars and that most non-athletic people buy once and forget about them? You need to acquire them exclusively as not only do they replace your basic groceries but also guarantee quick weight loss and inches off of your waistline. If not, you can always adopt cocaine as it’s a proven hit with actors and rockstars. Don’t you want to look like Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse or Keith Richards?

2. On your mark, get set, CHUG!!!

On that same note, anything liquid needs to be consumed in less than a minute. Water, tea, juice, beer, milk… the warmer, the better. The shock on your body causes a ripple effect that overworks your metabolism and counteracts the caloric intake from the beverage. This is a neat tip that your doctor won’t tell you, because she is part of a global marketing conspiracy (you thought that the doctor was male? Are you saying that women can’t be part of the elite class that prey on the poor and minorities? You need to check your privilege).

3. Remember the 3 P’s: Procrastinate, Procrastinate, Procrastinate

Instead of actually going to the gym or following a workout plan like a sucker, you need to put everything off. The stress and anxiety, not to mention the guilt, will melt away those pesky holiday pounds. And, as a bonus, you can tell your social entourage that you are getting mad fit at the iron playground, or doing an intense winter challenge, without actually doing anything physical. Cool, right? The key to any successful endeavor is procrastination; as it’s the thought and intent behind anything that really matters, not the actual end result or consequences.

4. Let’s get political, political

Another great and fast way to lose weight during the cold months is to sequester yourself and share your opinion about world events on social media. Because everyone knows that it’s all about whose voice is the loudest, not the most informed. So get typing and write your manifesto on something you’re passionate about in today’s political climate - don’t forget the typos and generalizations! Watch how quickly you blast calories as you’re blasting friends and family members who dared to defy your opinion.

5. A League of Your Own

Unfortunately, weight loss doesn’t come without sports. You don’t actually have to play them, just invest in them emotionally and financially. Pick your favorite sports team (not the Leafs) and follow every game. The exuberance that they feel when they win, or the pain that they repress when they lose, will be yours as well. And they’re athletes, which makes you an athlete by default. It’s a win-win scenario.

6. Netflix and Un-chill

Some scientists have declared that the average man burns 101 calories during sex and the average woman burns 69 (ba-dum-tsh). That being said, more calories are burnt through sexual frustration, so instead of getting cozy with that special someone, have a four month headache instead. As the hormonal levels keep increasing and warping every decision you make, the caloric burn ratio increases as well. You’ll be adopting the perfect body and feel good about yourself… just not too good. You’re trying to look like a supermodel, not screw one.


Please note that articles written on this site are for entertainment and satirical purposes only. They are not to be taken seriously or to be cited as a legitimate source of news. This article may contain quotes inserted by the author; let it be known that none of these things were really said and any relation to persons real or fictious is purely coincidental.

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