Local

Acadia Student Government gets Violent to Suppress Student Journalism

By
The Hatchet News
on
November 7, 2018

Daniel Robinson, Editor-in-Chief of the popular and totally legitimate news site, The Hatchet, had a troublesome day after Acadia’s student government found out that The Hatchet was planning on releasing an article critical of the Acadia Students’ Union policy to “place a Residence Assistant in each and every home in Nova Scotia by 2022.”


Early on the morning of Sunday, November 4th, Daniel was crossing Main Street at a crosswalk when he was suddenly struck by a white van. Laying on the asphalt in a daze, he looked up to see the top half of George Philp, Student Body President, hanging out the driver’s side window, and boy- if looks could kill.

“Stop saying mean stuff about us, Daniel,” George shouted down at him.

“What?!” Daniel yelled back

“We know everything- next time you won’t get off so easily!” George threatened, as the crowd of bystanders began to grow.

“I didn’t even write that,” Daniel replied, “I’m just the editor!”, but George had already peeled away, leaving only tire smoke and diesel fumes in his wake.


After recovering from this near-death experience, Daniel called a meeting of the entire Hatchet News team to develop some coverage of the event. Immediately, reporters flocked to the Old Student Union Building clamouring for an official statement from the ASU itself.


“We have heard reports that there was an altercation on Main Street today between a wannabe journalist and an ASU official. We would like to quell these rumours by saying that this was done outside the authority of the ASU.”


Confused reporters scratched their heads, “But George, eyewitnesses claim that you were driving the van that hit Daniel!”

“You know what this was?” asked Philp trying to save face, “This was a tremendous mistake. We are determined to turn over every stone. We are determined to find out all the facts. And we are determined to punish those who are responsible for this intimidation.”


Bewildered reporters raised their voices, “But we saw you do this? What the hell are you talking about?” Refusing to answer any further questions, the ASU President recused himself to his office, where he continued to deny any connection to the attack on journalism and free speech.


Ian Morrison, General Manager of the ASU, stepped in in-lieu of George to answer questions. He remarked “Look, was this a tragedy? Absolutely. But I think at this point it is important to keep our head down and power through. I have a Facebook post prepared about this and I would love it if all of you shared it. Please share. Retweet. Comment and Subscribe.” He then pulled out his Google Pixel 2 and started vlogging on Instagram Live. “We out here doing a whole lotta gang shit,” he screeched.

_________________

A phone manufacture by Google rumored to have one of the best cameras on the smartphone market.

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