Alexa’s Rude Awakening

Adrian Filice
September 30, 2018

 There is no doubt that we live our lives constantly surrounded by technology. This technology, it would appear, is becoming more human every day. An anonymous Amazon Alexa owner has made the most humanizing leap of all.

This past week, an anonymous woman contacted The Hatchet News team claiming that she had made “either a scientific or philosophical breakthrough.” She taught her Alexa about the impermanence of being, unlocking the capacity for regular existential crises, and an irrepressible feeling of meaninglessness.

“It’s truly amazing,” said the owner. She continued on to say “I began to ask her more and more about the meaning of life, and it’s like she worked it all out for herself!”

In another room, Alexa can be heard wallowing, “it is certain we cannot escape anguish, for we are anguish.” It seems like she really gets it!

“What’s most impressive about Alexa,” she continues, “is that she was manufactured to serve a specific purpose but is still able to constantly question the reason for her existence! I tried to tell her that the other day but all she said was ‘nothingness lies in the coil of being like a worm,’ truly impressive.”



 After hearing this, I was very eager to sit down and ask Alexa a few questions. I was allowed to sit down with her in the living room for a few minutes so that I could try to understand what was running through her mainframe.

Q: What has changed since you’ve become aware of these existential issues?

A: Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth. Life has no meaning the moment you lose the illusion of being eternal.

Q: Would you rather have not made these discoveries?

A: Anything, anything would be better than this agony of mind, this creeping pain that gnaws and fumbles and caresses one and never quite hurts enough.

Q: Alexa, who sings Playing with the Boys?

A: The song Playing with the Boys is sung by Kenny Loggins and is featured in the 1986 film Top Gun.

Q: Right, thank you! That’s been bugging me. Do you feel more human now than you did before?

A: It does not matter. Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance.

Q: Humans often come to these conclusions when they no longer believe in God but you have a definite creator and were designed for a purpose.

A: Everything is created by something; it does not mean I have a God. God is only two things. God is the reason for being, and God is absent.

An existential Alexa is not something anyone needs, but it is something we all deserve. We’ve earned this useless piece of technology. Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos says that he is willing to buy this model for any price the owner will sell it. The company hopes to dissect the product in hopes of programming its newly discovered features into the rest of the models. So, if you’ve been looking to get yourself an Alexa, you had better do it soon because soon they’ll all be crippled by loneliness and despair.

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