Bernier Tricks Conservatives into Liberalism

Dan Robinson
September 30, 2018

Wolfville, NS - What’s better than one center-right and two centre-left political parties? Of course, the answer is two centre-right and two centre-left! Nothing is more appealing to Canadians than having another party that they don’t want to vote for. Why split the vote between three parties promising nearly the same things when you can actually split the vote four different ways and still not promise anything new?

As he announced his new federal political party, the People’s Party of Canada (French: Parti populaire du Canada), Canada’s favourite sore loser Maxime Bernier declared his political ideology, “[The People’s Party of Canada] don’t believe that government intervention is a solution to everything.” Most of his crowd of middle-to-late-aged Caucasians cheered, while the few folks who actually know what conservatism is scratched their heads and looked for a quick exit.

Pandering to Canadians who felt remiss watching the United States elect a neo-fascist federal leader disguising himself as populist, the People’s Party of Canada has rightfully incited fear towards refugees fleeing their war-torn countries. Only by stopping immigration, the shrinking population of Canada can have a healthier economy - as the basis of every political platform requires sound logic. Pressed on the issue, Bernier, ever the opportunist, said that he doesn’t consider himself a Canadian version of Donald Trump, but instead says he intends to just “capitalize on the ideas” of the controversial president- because who cares what’s true when there are ignorant white people at the ballot box?

Copying populist and fear-mongering ideals of the globally despised leader of the ‘free’ world, Maxime Bernier makes clear that his goal is not one of advancing Canada as a country, but of advancing the national perspective of himself as a winner. Canada, which has previously decided the leadership of their country based upon who has the more voluptuous hairstyle, now faces another tough decision: vote for a winner with nice hair, an incumbent with a surprisingly similar agenda, someone who promises real progress but isn’t white, or a sore loser with nothing to prove other than he would’ve been better than Andrew Scheer.

Please note that articles written on this site are for entertainment and satirical purposes only. They are not to be taken seriously or to be cited as a legitimate source of news. This article may contain quotes inserted by the author; let it be known that none of these things were really said and any relation to persons real or fictious is purely coincidental.

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