Big Produce is Hilarious, Here’s 5 Reasons Why

Adrian Filice
November 22, 2018

1.    It’s Unnecessary

Since the dawn of time, things that are unnecessary become necessarily hilarious. Unnecessary-ness is especially hilarious when paired with a sense of extravagance. These are the same reasons that we can laugh at a gold plated toilet seat, or that enormous shiny dog statue that your aunt Doris has. (Note: although this is embarrassing for you, it is hilarious to others.) Enormous produce is completely unnecessary because it is simply inedible. To me, the ability to be eaten is just about the only useful aspect of food. While I understand that giant produce isn’t quite as extravagant as a diamond studded rocking chair but its extravagance is derived from the sheer time and effort put into growing it.

2.    It’s Huge

When things are significantly larger than they are supposed to be, they become one of two things: hilarious or terrifying. It seems to me that sentient things become terrifying but inanimate things become hilarious. A giant baby? Terrifying. A huge milk jug? Hilarious. A giant shrimp? Terrifying. A massive squash? Hilarious. I think this benefits from the principle of unnecessary-ness. The inanimate object has no kind of will and therefore cannot possibly benefit from being enormous. That’s damn funny.

3.    It’s Relative

When some produce is gigantic, it’s a little bit impressive, but that’s not always the case. Consider if you will, the giant brussels sprout. It’s just a cabbage! A giant green onion is just a leek! This contributes exquisitely to the unnecessary-ness. All of the time and effort put into the crop just is perfectly unnecessary because it already exists as something else.

4.    It’s the People

If you have ever seen pictures of the people who have grown their own enormous produce, you will notice that they are on one of two sides of the happiness spectrum. They appear to be either:

Dead inside

Or the happiest person on earth

Both of these reactions are entirely unwarranted. The appropriate reaction is somewhere between “this massive squash has brought me no joy,” and, “this giant onion is the only thing that could ever bring me joy.”

5.    It’s so Much Work

It takes over 140 days to grow most giant produce, that’s almost half a year! Just to remind you, that’s half of a year to grow something that you can’t eat and will go bad in a matter of days. Also, in the case of squash or pumpkin, these monstrosities get over 2000lbs! You need a crane, a transport truck, and a team of your 8 favourite friends to move one of them. Why?

The purpose of this list is not to shame the farmers of these gargantuan foodstuffs. They are objectively the backbone of any great nation. The purpose of this list is to make you, loyal reader, find joy and humour in the places where you may not have found them before. We love you, reader. Have a great day.

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