Sports & Wellness

ASU President George Philp Confirms Reason for Cheaton Cup Day Change

By
Coleman Merry
on
September 30, 2018

Wolfville, NS – On Monday, September 24th The Hatchet’s executive team was contacted by George Philp, Acadia University’s student body president in regards to the university’s annual hockey game between two residential houses, Cheaton. George’s reasoning for contacting us was an attempt to provide more transparency as to why the university has decided to change the usual time of the game - a Saturday - to a Wednesday.


“Myself and the university” started Philp “are trying to make it as clear as we can to the student population, as well as their surrounding community, that this decision was made strictly on a scientific basis.”


George proceeded to provide us with both an excessive amount and broad degree of evidence that he claims “proves scientifically, that hockey players are better at playing hockey on Wednesdays rather than Saturdays.”


What George Philp believed to be his strongest argument is as follows: “While I was doing research for this study I decided to go out into the field and get my hands dirty. I headed out to my local rink this summer on a Wednesday to see for myself how well these players could be playing. I arrived in the middle of an Atom summer-league tournament and boy, could these kids play hockey. I watched so many games get won! There must have been six or seven games that day that got won by hockey players. On a Wednesday. Meanwhile, I go back to the same place that Saturday and stand around all day, waiting for a game to be won and guess what? Shit does not happen. Not only did no hockey games get won, and I’m not even sure that I saw a single hockey player at all.”


Philp also performed a case study upon the previous hockey season in an attempt to broaden his research. The subject of this study was his friend’s son Callum, a 10-year old from New Minas who played recreational hockey with some of the other youth in the area. On the Saturday of the case study Callum played a league game and even though he tried pretty hard, he still only got one assist and no goals. However, the following Wednesday Callum was playing a pick-up game of pond hockey with a few friends. During this game Callum not only scored two assists, he actually managed to scored a goal; “He was even on a breakaway at one point,” said Philp, but he took a shot at the net and missed and the puck went into the woods.”


For his last attempt to prove- scientifically- that hockey players are better at playing hockey on Wednesdays rather than Saturdays, George decided to hit the ice himself. The Hatchet executive team joined him at the Athletics Complex’s rink last Wednesday for a first-hand view of the study. He skated around on the ice for a while, did some basic stick handling exercises and practiced passing the puck off the board a few times. After a while he took a few shots at an empty net and a couple of them went in. While skating off the ice he fell over and broke both of his elbows and one of his knees on the ground.


The following Saturday the Hatchet Executive team took George to the rink again. After the team managed to tape some hockey gear over his casts we pushed him out onto the ice. He couldn’t really move around that much and I’m not sure if anyone remembered to bring a hockey puck, but to say the least he did not score any goals.


George Philp has proven once and for all, scientifically, that hockey players are better at playing hockey on Wednesdays rather than Saturdays. The Hatchet’s executive team all looked at each other indifferently, and headed back to the office to do a study that proves scientifically that day drinkers are better at day drinking on Wednesdays rather than Saturdays


Please note that articles written on this site are for entertainment and satirical purposes only. They are not to be taken seriously or to be cited as a legitimate source of news. This article may contain quotes inserted by the author; let it be known that none of these things were really said and any relation to persons real or fictious is purely coincidental.

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