Chopping dope in Wolfville: ‘The Hatchet News’ Interviews a Weed Dealer

Brandon De Aguiar
October 17, 2018

Wolfville, NS - With weed being legalized in Canada today many dealers are concerned about the impacts of legalization on their hard earned cash. Dealers have tried expanding to other products like caffeine, or poppy seeds, but soon realized Tim Hortons has that market covered. Some of them have claimed to have gone straight; however, I never understood how being sexually attracted to the opposite sex makes you stop selling weed. However, there is one dealer that stands amongst the rest. I, Brandon De Aguiar, sat down for a phenomenal interview with the oldest drug dealer in Wolfville. In fact, he is so good at the game that he has been able to financially support his wife and kids for 5 years. I was able to catch him on his  ̶s̶m̶o̶k̶e̶ ̶b̶r̶e̶a̶k̶  work break to ask him a few questions.

Brandon: “So I’m just curious ... you’re the only drug dealer that actually drives a car to deliver your weed to your customers. Are you not paranoid about the cops stopping you??"

Dealer: “Are you on drugs? What the fuck are you talking about? I never dealt weed in my life.”

Brandon: “ Yeah sure, you never ‘dealt weed in your life in your life and like how I never ‘cried after sex’. Stop horsing around and tell me the truth."

Dealer: “Seriously, can you leave me alone. I’m trying to enjoy my work break. I almost fell behind on those big deliveries."

Brandon: “And what exactly were you delivering? Your whole life is falling apart. I caught you red handed. I own you.”

Dealer: “I don’t know what I’m delivering, that would be against the law!”

Brandon: “Selling weed is against the law! Yet, you’re still doing it you fucked up hypocrite! Give me answers!”

Dealer: “I don’t know what kind of answers you’re looking for? Is this kind of a sick joke to you? Do you harass Canada Post delivery employees on a daily basis?”.

Brandon: “LISTEN HERE ASS FACE! I have friends from the inside that constantly buy drugs from you. You’re hiding nothing from me so why don’t you come clean and give me some damn answers.”

̶D̶e̶a̶l̶e̶r̶ *Canada Post Deliver Person*: “Okay, my work break is done. Please leave me alone. Don’t even think about following me or I will call the cops.”

Brandon: “Good, bring them over then they can finally lock you up for the criminal you truly are.”

Brandon continued to follow the Canada Post Employee, and he indeed called the cops.

De Aguiar was arrested later that day.

Brandon spent 15 years in prison and never smoked legal pot in his life.

Be less like Brandon.

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