Sid Kondapuram
September 30, 2018

Okay, this is epic.

WASHINGTON D.C - White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was recently shushed by a valiant centrist at her son’s play. According to sources, the son’s performance as the titular ‘Streetcar’ in the play A Streetcar Named Desire was  satisfactory if a bit contrived.

   Mrs. Sanders was reportedly shushed by an attendant during the play. She recollected, tearfully: “It was during the intermission. I thought I was in a safe space to talk about my collection of peas and carrots stored in my damp pillowcases. But I guess not; I guess we don't live in a world of civil discourse since my administration started deporting those children. Sad.”

The Hatchet managed to get ahold of the patron accused of the shushing and secured an exclusive interview.

What drove you to do something so vapid and at the same time so utterly pointless?

Well you see, I am a centrist after all.

How would you define your centrism?

When I took the centrist oath many years ago, I promised not to hold views--about anything. Which ironically, made the oath itself invalid, so I’m open to all views now. Why do you ask, you got any cool views you’d be willing to lend?

Do you understand what the word ‘views’ means?

Yeah! I know what the word 'views' means. But just for your sake man do you mind, like, using the word in a sentence.

Care to elaborate why you felt it was the right time to shush Mrs. Sanders?

Okay, fine. It’s like this, right: before, I couldn’t really tell the difference between Nazis and lefties. They were like these amorphous blobs to me, I literally heard no difference between “I want free health care for all” vs “I want to oppress all nonwhite people”. But I recently had a bit of a watershed moment, as the great centrist MLK Jr. once put it “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything, or more likely, you will become a centrist”.

Any final revelations?

Sometimes people say to me “You should start holding views on something”, and I reply to them “Should I?”, and usually they reply with “Yeah, yeah you should”.

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