Canada

In Effort to Curb Rising Provincial Depression Rates Liberal Government to Deport Everyone from Dartmouth

By
Sid Kondapuram
on
October 22, 2018

Halifax, NS -  Premier of Nova Scotia Stephen McNeil decided to announce his government’s new policy for fighting rising depression rates in Nova Scotia: deporting every man, woman, and child from Dartmouth. Regardless of nationality.


He remarked at a Thursday morning press conference “Where will they go? Good question, very good question.” He then pointed towards the crowd and yelled “Holy shit, is that Tupac?” and when the crowd turned to look he made a speedy, yet cowardly, escape through the back entrance. House Leader Geoff MacLellan decided to step up to the podium after a few minutes to deliver the Liberal government’s rationalization for this bizarre law.


“Look, okay, we don’t make this decision lightly. But something had to be done about our meteoric rise in depression rates. We had other ideas, for example: we were going to pass a law banning people on the Harbour Hopper tours from waving at our citizens. We were prepared to do anything! And I mean anything! (short of providing a framework for people to access certified mental health professionals for help with their mental hygiene issues in a swift and inexpensive process of course)”


The Hatchet decided to write a letter asking for the rationale behind choosing Dartmouth and the process for the deportation. We received this reply from our government:


“ Dear Hatchet News,

Hope you’ve been well. Here’s why we chose Dartmouth:


  • The smokestacks in Dartmouth have been shown to blow what our Scientists are calling ‘depression smoke’ into our beautiful skies. Polluting the province and making everyone miserable
  • We’ve ascertained that once weed is legal people from Dartmouth will consume up to 150% more marijuana than the average citizen. Less weed for everyone = More sad people
  • You ever seen a happy person from Dartmouth? I rest my case


Here’s how we plan to deport them:


  • Lure them to their nearest Dooly’s by disseminating a coupon claiming “Come do Free Crime Tonight at Dooly’s”
  • Put them to sleep by playing the newest Norah Jones CD
  • Put them in a ship and set them adrift on our beautiful ocean


Our job here is done. We’ve solved depression by removing the cause of our provincial depression.


Your Friend,

Stephen “Big Money” McNeil”


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