Library Pub Loses Profits over Curry Night Incident

Brandon De Aguiar
September 30, 2018

Wolfville, NS –  A major tragedy at the Library Pub occurred on September 26th, 2018. The Hatchet News reached out to a former employee, Brandon De Aguiar, for comment. De Aguiar, who managed to slip into the Library Pub kitchen and add Mad Dog 357 sauce into the famous ‘Curry Night’ Dish pot, recalled how havoc spread when customers began screaming at the top of their lungs in response to the sauce’s burning spice. Mad Dog 357 has nearly a 357’000 Scoville rating - roughly 150 times hotter than a jalapeño. Customers were loudly yelling for water, yogurt or any other liquid substances to help ease the pain. The Library Pub owner,  crying from the pain, had this to say: “I haven’t cried this badly over spices since the Backstreet Boys broke up”.

We then asked him if he meant the Spice Girls since the joke would have made way more sense that way… he replied “Make cents?! I’m a restaurant owner in Wolfville competing against Joe, all I do is make cents!”. Customers then complained about the food and demanded their money back, losing the Library Pub a total of $420 in profits that day.

The Hatchet News followed up with delinquent Brandon De Aguiar to see why would he do such an awful thing. “I just got really sick of the head chef, Melvin, saying that the ‘Curry Night’ was ‘Indian Spicy,” he said, “I don’t even know what the fuck that means. I’ve tasted water spicier than that shit! Honestly, I was just sick of Melvin’s bullshit.”

We then asked kitchen cook, Ross, who was working that night, how he could have missed De Aguiar sneaking into the kitchen to add the hot sauce. “I don’t fucking know, I just make burgers. You want a shrimp taco, I give you a burger. You want a veggie wrap, I give you a burger. You want a burger, I give you the finger”.

We immediately stopped asking questions after that.

The Hatchet then got in contact with Head Chef, Melvin, while he was on one of his 'special occasion' smoke breaks. “Man, you got to stop asking me questions” he said, seemingly annoyed. “The point is that I pay $21,000 a year just to live in Nova Scotia and I won’t rest until that Brandon De FuckFace pays for what he has done."

He then randomly decided to put on the Titanic theme song and start crying in the middle of the interview. The Hatchet news team asked him if he was okay and tried to hand him over a tissue in which he responded, “fuck off guys, My grandparents died on the Titanic.”  We were then about to inform Melvin that we don’t think people from India would have been allowed to board the Titanic, but it is 2018, and we didn't just want to assume his grandparents race.

After the whole event, the staff then decided that to make up for lost profits, the price of avocado would be raised from $4 to $8.

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