Creative

Lizard Overlords of the World: Axe Radio Coordinators... Part 1

By
Crabwell Stevens
on
October 11, 2018

Before we begin discussing this issue, let it be known that The Hatchet urges the ASU to form a Lizard Prevention and Awareness Committee.


Lizard people are a “conspiracy” that has taken the world by storm. Illuminati has nothing on these lizard people. They are able to transform into anybody. Famous lizards include; Barack Obama, Cher, Mike Pence, Justin Trudeau and the entirety of the New England Patriots. Lizards typically replace who we look up to, the great leaders of the world. Now, they are coming after the leaders of the ASU.


This specific situation has been brought up several times by past Axe Radio coordinators investigating the issue. To research this further, The Hatchet attempted to reach out to these coordinators for comment. We were planning to begin with Jeremy Bolzon, coordinator of Axe Radio in 2016-17, who appeared to have gone missing since he left Axe Radio in 2017. However, in recent months Jeremy has been incredibly active on social media, so in the end, we decided not to reach out to him because there is now another conspiracy that HE is lizard too. Crazy eh?


Former coordinator Blake Ward (2017-18) also went mysteriously missing near the end of the last school year and is miraculously active on social media recently. These events are definitely connected. The only possible conclusion is that both Jeremy and Blake must be lizards. Another former coordinator, Luke Ehler, (2016-17) is not even in the province anymore, and word has it that he is at the Calgary Zoo researching lizards! Luke’s research has been commissioned by the Trudeau government in an effort to prevent future incidents of lizard people take over. The Hatchet tried reaching out to the Axe Radio coordinators that preceded Jeremy, Luke, and Blake but we couldn't even figure out who they were! Sad to report that they might be lizard people. It’s a tough time to be a lizard.


Axe Radio continues to lead the coverage of lizards at Acadia. There have been several shows that have brought up the topic and have taken calls from concerned students on potential lizard people at Acadia. If you know a lizard person, please contact either of the current Axe Radio coordinators as they have direct contact with Luke Ehler, who as mentioned is in the midst of conducting research on lizards.


The Hatchet, in coordination with Axe Radio, will be releasing a string of articles highlighting how lizards have infiltrated specific organisations within the ASU. Stay tuned.


Please note that articles written on this site are for entertainment and satirical purposes only. They are not to be taken seriously or to be cited as a legitimate source of news. This article may contain quotes inserted by the author; let it be known that none of these things were really said and any relation to persons real or fictious is purely coincidental.

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Lizard Overlords of the World: Axe Radio Coordinators... Part 1