Orthodontists Go on Strike as Number of People Rolling Up Rims with Bottom Teeth Reaches All-Time High

Santana Briggs
March 14, 2019

Orthodontists have been fighting against the Tim Horton’s contest Roll Up The Rim for months, advocating for justice for what they call the “invisible but then very visible victims” of the fun Canadian tradition: the bottom teeth.  For years, Canadians have been using their bottom teeth to roll up the rims of their coffee cups, hoping to see that golden “you win”.  While Canadians used to take pride in their orthodontically-enhanced teeth, the daily coffee has turned the bottom row of perfectly aligned teeth into a jagged nightmare.

Years of research has brought to light the devastating effects this has had on the individual Canadian’s bottom set of teeth.  Orthodontists as a whole were excited at first – movement of the teeth meant a round or two of braces and additional income.  But the increasing number of Tim’s cups produced has made what first seemed like a blessing into a national crisis.

The Hatchet News team visited striking orthodontists outside of the Tim’s on Main Street and was able to talk to the head of the local union.  In our interview, she stressed the importance of keeping that rim away from your bottom teeth.  “For the love of god, use your fingers.  No one wants to walk by and catch you trying to jam your teeth under the rim.  Maybe wait until you’re not driving to roll up your rim!”

Many parents have rallied around the orthodontists in support.  “If I have to pay for another set of braces, I’m never buying another double-double again,” one father told us.  “I don’t care how much my son loves his white peppermint hot chocolate! Having to stare at his crooked little teeth every night as he eats his plain buttered noodles is an even greater torture than the fact that he only eats plain buttered noodles!”  The man became too emotional to continue.

Orthodontists show no signs of backing down and tensions are predicted to increase as the Roll Up the Rim season continues.  The Hatchet stands with orthodontists everywhere and from now on, will throw out anyone at a meeting who brings in any Tim’s-related item (Brandon, don’t even bother showing up).  For those unable to give up their French Vanilla, we advise entering the establishment with a covered mouth, as some radical orthodontists have taken to throwing individual braces at people crossing the picket lines.  In this scary world, only one thing can be certain: rolling up the rim with your teeth is really gross like do you even know where that’s been? Just keep it out of your mouth.

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