Politics

Republicans Watch Out: Top 10 Reasons Why Joseph Stalin Was Actually a Neo-Conservative Capitalist

By
Jarod Campbell
on
September 30, 2018


  1. His mustache: It doesn't take a union of free workers owning the means of production to figure out that Stalin's mustache believes that Silicon Valley and venture capitalists can save the world.
  2. That time Stalin said “I like and respect Elon Musk I just don't think he should be smoking weed on podcasts, he needs to respect the shareholder, they are the modern proletariat”.
  3. Many historians of Soviet-style communism debate if Stalin betrayed Lenin and the revolution. They don't have access to the top secret documents acquired by The Hatchet that show that Stalin was actually a Turning Point USA operative inserted to discredit the movement in exchange for shares in Tesla and Space X. Historians, Venmo us $5 and see what happens.
  4. Stalin was seen earlier staring at a photo of Bernie Sanders while on a plane between Khabatroitsk and Magnitongelsk. Sobbing and “He's a better socialist than I'll ever be" was heard from the airplane lavatory while Stalin was noticeably absent from his seat.
  5. Stalin's typical bougie frat boy behaviours such as joyriding his daddy's Pombron (that's the car with the interior made with whale foreskin), and throwing back Jaegerbombs with the Junkers.
  6. Stalin's frequent statements surrounding how Andrew Carnegie and the “Gospel of Wealth" could do more for the world than any kind of non-exploitative economic system. “Poor people kind of suck, they probably should just wait for rich guys to give them handouts, that sounds sustainable to me," he said at an event hosted by Wells Fargo for which he was paid approximately $800,000 (adjusted for inflation).
  7. Stalin's ruthless anti-competitive practices are what really separate him and his monopoly from the ideal libertarian hellscape.
  8. One little known reason why Stalin had so many of his political opponents killed was a ruthless anti-union streak.
  9. As we all know Communism is when the government does good stuff, like healthcare and federal pony identification programs. Under Stalin, the government was, according to some locals, “totally not cool man" and it is this uncoolness above all else that makes Stalin a neo-con capitalist.
  10. Item 10 will be written following the resolution of a labour dispute.


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