Sports & Wellness

So, You Got Your Balls Stuck In Your Zipper Again

By
Sid Kondapuram
on
November 12, 2018

Your guide to getting them unstuck and finally finding happiness in this miserable capitalist fever dream.


Hey fellas, we’ve all been there. You’re having a nice pee break after a particularly long night of trying to find happiness in our capitalist fever dream and your nads get stuck in the zipper of your expensive Gap chinos. You think to yourself: why does it hurt when I pee? Holy shit, are my balls stuck on my zipper again? Did Freemasons kidnap my prom date so she wouldn’t show up for the pictures? I don’t know, I don’t fucking care. I’m here to help you out.


Anyways, here are a couple of tricks to get you out of this bind:


  1. Much like a jellyfish, zippers are scared of pee. How do I know? Well, I spent my summers as a child pissing on my grandfather’s pet jellyfish, Avram. So grab your pee-pee, drop the tp, with both hands free, pee all over your zipper. And watch as the zipper retreats in fear.
  2. This one requires a bit of finesse and quick wit. Pretend that it’s your halloween costume and never ever attempt to unzip your pants ever again, this is your life now, you balls-stuck-in-your-zipper-degenerate. So grow some balls and roam around with your balls out, it’s your new Halloween costume. People say it’s January and Halloween isn’t even remotely close? No problem, tell them they don’t understand time zones and that it’s most definitely a leap year.
  3. Rub hummus on your forehead. Now instead of looking at the nuts in your zipper people will look at the red pepper hummus spread on your forehead.
  4. THIS IS THE NUCLEAR OPTION: OVERTHROW CAPITALISM AND EAT THE RICH. HONESTLY, JUST FUCKING DO IT. NO LONGER SHALL THE PROLETARIAT BE SERVILE, CRAVEN, AND OBSEQUIOUS TO THE WILL OF THE BOURGEOIS. BREAK FREE OF YOUR CHAINS BROTHERS AND SISTERS. LET’S MAKE ENCHILADAS OUT OF RICH PEOPLE.
  5. Rub some butter and tug slowly till they’re not stuck anymore.


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