Entertainment

Sony Pictures Announces Another Spider-Man Reboot With Jim Parsons, Memes and "Spicer" Content

By
Brandon De Aguiar
on
December 20, 2018

After the major success of Venom, Sony executives lost their shit when they found how much of a box office hit the film became. The only problem with this is now they actually have to produce a sequel. Venom’s ending reveals Spider-Man’s most dangerous villain, Carnage being the main protagonist in the next Venom movie. However, any hardcore fan would tell you that you need Spider-Man AND Venom to defeat Carnage. Since it’s well known that Sony Pictures cares about the integrity and authenticity of the original source material, they decided to bring Spider-Man into the Venom universe by rebooting Spider-Man...yet again.


“With this reboot, we decided that since Marvel already hit the audience with a kid-friendly Spider-Man who catered towards the social justice warriors, We decided we want our new reboot to attract a more hip and older crowd," an executive from Sony Pictures said.


The Hatchet News Team then asked how they would pursue that.


“It’s easy actually; first we're going to ignore that Spider-Man started off in high school. High school isn’t edgy enough for the adults. Instead, our movie will take place during the first week in college. Marvel’s Movie was called Spider-Man: Homecoming, so we decided to name our new reboot Spider-Man: Frosh Week. Just to show the kids we ain't fucking around this time. We also made some creative differences compared to the previous movies. No one reads the newspaper anymore so they can’t relate, kids now all they want to do is watch porn, so instead, we’re going to make Peter Parker work for a pornsite called the Daily Cuck. We’re even debating on having Peter Parker being called Peter Porker.


The Hatchet News questioned the name ‘Peter Porker.’


“Porker, but I already know her!” The Sony executive laughed awkwardly. Santana Briggs, a member of The Hatchet News team, left the interview immediately right after.  However, there were still some questions. The rest of the team followed up by asking them if there were any other changes.


Turbo virgins who voted

“Well we did a survey with the fans and people agreed Gwen Stacy is way hotter than Mary Jane, so we all made the decision that the only time your going to see Mary Jane and Spider-Man together is when the web-slinger is smoking that sticky icky. Plus even Gwen is getting stale, we need something fresh. This is why at the board meeting we decided to make his new love interest Gwen Stacy's mom, get it? Stacy's Mom! It’s a Meme, people can’t get enough of those memes, I just checked my stocks right now and there already imploding just by mentioning the meme”. The executive then started singing the verses from Stacy's Mom in hopes that we would join in….we did not.


We then followed up with another question to the executive:“It seems you're rebooting Spider-Man too many times. There are so many iterations of Spider-Man within the decade, aren’t you worried you're going to confuse the fans, why don’t you try something original?”


The Executive said he was well aware that this was a possible problem and answered:


“Who cares, people love hearing the same old story over and over again.  How many times have you heard the same old boring story about a group of friends in New York who hang out in the same place day in and day out and they have love interests within that group? Too many fucking times! We only want one thing here in Hollywood,  COLD. HARD. CASH. That’s exactly why we decided to cast Jim Parsons as Spider-Man. He’s cool, he’s hip, and he’s also a nerd. We watch Big Bang Theory, your mom watches Big Bang Theory  ... he’s an icon for nerds in the mainstream media. We’ll even make him say Ba-zinga after performing his daily tasks at the Daily Cuck. Millennials love pop culture references, It’s perfect, the money prints itself”. The Sony executive then took out some monopoly money out of his pocket and start throwing it like he was at a strip club. The Hatchet team was not impressed.


They reminded the executive that they still didn’t answer how they were going to make fans not get confused. However the executive at Sony just kept throwing monopoly money and pointing at his stock increase.

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