Local

STFX Transfer Student Can’t Take the Crows

By
Adrian Filice
on
October 4, 2018

Wolfville, NS– Acadia University has seen an influx of students transferring from alleged university, St. Francis Xavier. When asked about why they transferred, they gave a variety of answers. We’ve turned them into a handy graphic:

For the most part, these new students are enjoying their time here aside from one severe problem: the crows. The students say that even if they have never been attacked by a crow, they are still “shaken to [their] core by the steely glares they give you.”

 “I just came here to get a real education without my lunch money being constantly stolen by the football team,” a frightened student says, “I never thought there could be anything scarier here.”

“Listen bud,” says a 6th generation Acadia student, “if you can’t take the heat you better just get out of the kitchen. You guys sure talk a big game about being big and tough, but you can’t stand up to a couple of black birds?”

“The biggest piece of advice I have for these students,” explains campus ornithologist, Dr. John Boates, “is to understand that there is a pecking order. To be respected, you must be dominant. If you have to snap a couple crow necks, then that’s what you gotta do.”

In response to this threat to new students who remain unhardened by the tough streets of Wolfville, Safety & Security has created a new branch to respond to “bird calls.” They are a crack team of biologists that go by the name Avian Safety and Security (A.S.S. for short).  Students are advised to call this branch with bird-related issues. The department aims to capture and release the birds in an attempt to relocate them. If this is ineffective, they are authorised to utilise deadly force.

This will predictably create a secondary problem. During mating seasons it is possible for many crow egg’s to become motherless. In response to this, Safety and Security is creating another smaller branch that students are advised to call if they ever find a lone crow egg. This branch has been called Avian Safety and Security that Handle Only Lone Eggs (or,  A.S.S.H.O.L.E. for short.)

 We wish all of our new students well and hope they are able to take comfort in the protection of our campuses new security branches.


Please note that articles written on this site are for entertainment and satirical purposes only. They are not to be taken seriously or to be cited as a legitimate source of news. This article may contain quotes inserted by the author; let it be known that none of these things were really said and any relation to persons real or fictious is purely coincidental.

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