Local

STFX Transfer Student Can’t Take the Crows

By
Adrian Filice
on
October 4, 2018

Wolfville, NS– Acadia University has seen an influx of students transferring from alleged university, St. Francis Xavier. When asked about why they transferred, they gave a variety of answers. We’ve turned them into a handy graphic:

For the most part, these new students are enjoying their time here aside from one severe problem: the crows. The students say that even if they have never been attacked by a crow, they are still “shaken to [their] core by the steely glares they give you.”

 “I just came here to get a real education without my lunch money being constantly stolen by the football team,” a frightened student says, “I never thought there could be anything scarier here.”

“Listen bud,” says a 6th generation Acadia student, “if you can’t take the heat you better just get out of the kitchen. You guys sure talk a big game about being big and tough, but you can’t stand up to a couple of black birds?”

“The biggest piece of advice I have for these students,” explains campus ornithologist, Dr. John Boates, “is to understand that there is a pecking order. To be respected, you must be dominant. If you have to snap a couple crow necks, then that’s what you gotta do.”

In response to this threat to new students who remain unhardened by the tough streets of Wolfville, Safety & Security has created a new branch to respond to “bird calls.” They are a crack team of biologists that go by the name Avian Safety and Security (A.S.S. for short).  Students are advised to call this branch with bird-related issues. The department aims to capture and release the birds in an attempt to relocate them. If this is ineffective, they are authorised to utilise deadly force.

This will predictably create a secondary problem. During mating seasons it is possible for many crow egg’s to become motherless. In response to this, Safety and Security is creating another smaller branch that students are advised to call if they ever find a lone crow egg. This branch has been called Avian Safety and Security that Handle Only Lone Eggs (or,  A.S.S.H.O.L.E. for short.)

 We wish all of our new students well and hope they are able to take comfort in the protection of our campuses new security branches.


Latest Entries

Local

Acadia Spends $750,000 On New Sign and Uses Tuition Increase To Pay For it

Sports & Wellness

Top 4 Ways You and Your Roommates Can Save Money For The Holidays

LATEST VIDEOS

HOROSCOPES

Aries

In the near future you will meet someone who will have a major impact on your life. Too bad you’ll immediately ignore them and forget who they are.

Virgo

Virgo, your attention to the most minute details will get the best of you this finals season. Your trivial fixations will eventually make you go insane and your friends are going to have no choice but to check you into the nearest psych ward.

Libra

Not getting a clear reading from the stars.. here's the weather report for this week: Saturday and Sunday will be a mix of sun and cloud, with full sun on Monday and a light rain rolling in Tuesday. Wednesday we'll see more sun and cloud with a chance of snow, heading into mainly sun on Thursday and Friday.

Click For More

LATEST POLL

What should Wolfville's new name be?

Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.