Teacher at Halifax-area High School Loses Their Shit When Student Takes Their Snickers Bar

Brandon De Aguiar
October 18, 2018

Cole Harbour, NS - The RCMP were doing their daily check-in at Cole Harbour High one afternoon, when they noticed an incident taking place in one of the classrooms: a full-on brawl between a teacher and a student. Immediately, the RCMP put a stop to the fighting. Sources tell us this wasn't the first time they'd witnessed this at Cole Harbour High. Apparently, the fight had been going on for a half hour. Most of the teachers were aware of the fight but were more concerned about being able to balance their school budget while maintaining a state of the art chocolate fountain.

“One does not simply attend Cole Harbour High. Fights like this happen all the time in this school,” an RCMP officer remarked, “I guess the teachers just assumed this was just a typical Wednesday.”

Another RCMP Officer told the Hatchet News: “We immediately stopped the fight when the teacher yelled out ‘this isn’t even my final form'. I’m not exactly sure what was going to happen, but Cole Harbour High already has a bad reputation and we didn’t want it to go even lower when associating it with that weeaboo shit."

The Hatchet News team did some investigating on what caused the fight.

“I had no idea people still attended classes, that's some crazy shit right there. The only reason I even go to this school is so I can get day drunk without my parents nagging me about responsibility,” a female student said to us.

“Don’t ask me! Yeah, I attend class, but I was also as high as the the retention rate at this school. I figured I’m already doing better than 60% of the students here just by attending, so I might as well celebrate,” said another student. We were about to ask this stoner more questions, but he immediately started stuffing his face with an “Oh Henry 4:25” bar.  

The Hatchet News team was puzzled as it seems as though both the students and teachers would not give them the details they wanted. However, the principle of the school suggested going to the one place most Cole Harbor teachers go when “shit like this happens”.

The Hatchet News then visited the Dartmouth Asylum where the teacher was kept in captivity. We asked what started the fight between him and the student and this what he had to say:

“It’s actually not a complicated story, simply the boy was hungry, he was staring at that one student who always brings ‘Oh Henry’ bars to class, his stomach was growling, and I figured he was hungry. So, I gave him one of the Snickers I had in my desk. The boy was happy to receive the treat, and I was happy to make his day.”

The Hatchet News team physically scratched their heads in confusion, still not understanding what caused the fight to break out. The teacher then had a grin on his face that honestly reminded us of Sméagol from Lord of the Rings.

“I later realised I was hungry, so I reached into my desk for a Snickers, not realising I have given the last one. I was more disappointed by this than by my yearly salary. I simply told the boy I changed my mind about him having the snickers bar and wanted it back.”

He goes on to explain that the boy shook his head and continued to eat said Snickers bar, and he “quoted one of [his] heroes, Rick Mehta, and said ‘it was just a prank, bro’ and pleaded for the Snickers.” The student then ate the Snickers in one huge bite, and the teacher lost his shit. “I mean, I learned that it’s okay to change your mind, I even sometimes randomly change the marks of my students depending if I like them or not”.

The teacher then proceeded to explain in detail how he gave the student a purple nurple while laughing hysterically. We had no idea what he was going to do next, but we here at the Hatchet News team have very sensitive nipples. We didn’t want that shit to happen to us, so we left the asylum to go and talk to the principle.

“Yeah riots we can handle, purple nurples, on the other hand, are a bit too much, who do you think we are, Auburn? We had to fire his poor ass and send him where most of our teachers belong”. The principal explained. He added that "the safety of our students is always a top priority. That’s exactly why our previous principal was someone who got suspended for fighting a student in middle school. They knew if they could handle macho men from middle school then they could fight against fighting legends like Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris and even Ron Weasley”.

After the discussion, The Hatchet News team drove in their Hatchet Mobile and made a blood pact to never ever visit Cole Harbor High again.

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