Top 5 Best Shapes, Ranked

Sid Kondapuram
September 30, 2018

We at Buzzfee- er.. I mean The Hatchet like to have our fingers on the pulse of what millenials are asking of us in terms of content. Our omniscient and venal Magic 8-Ball suggested ‘Lists’; so without further ado, here is a list:

#1 Circle

For early humans circles represented wildberries--a fruit of toil and one worthy of valorization-- but to the current gaggle of effete post-modernists it represents so much more. Pulsating sexual energy oozes from its infinitesimal edges, or as the great Richard Feynman better explains it “Circles are dumb thicc”. We at The Hatchet are inclined to agree with Dr. Feynman.

#2 Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

What other shape has spawned a lineage of braindead, craven, greedy Lolbertarians than this trash fire of a fucking book. Fuck you Ayn Rand and your stupid rectangular shaped screed and your wimpish Objectivism. I’d pick LeVeyan Satanism any gosh darn day.

#3 Hexagon

This one’s alright, I guess. No big deal; nothing to write home about, but it’s not too bad.

#4 Parallelogram

Some of history’s greatest authors were parallelograms. Babe Ruth, Audrey Hepburn, Ben 10. The list goes on. The raw prowess and affinity for prose that parallelograms have is second to none.

#5 Trapezoid

Because whose favorite midnight snack isn’t an egg? Mine! So Trapezoid comes in at #5. What can be said about a Trapezoid that isn’t already the description of a Nicholas Sparks novel? The trapezoid has been a devoted friend in the dark times, and a capable and willing lover in the cold winter mornings. Please - call us back.


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