Top 5 Reasons why Dartmouth Needs The Smokestacks

Brandon De Aguiar
October 26, 2018

Environmentalists want to see the smokes stacks at Tufts Cove taken down- but it's 2018 so we have to ask, how important actually is the environment? The Dartmouth smoke stacks are one of God's many gifts to the earth, and here are the top 5 reasons why:

1) It’s Alpha as phuuuucc [sic].

It is Dartmouth’s manhood. Standing stiff, hard, and in pairs of threes, just like God Intended.  Without them we would just be another beta bitch city like Yarmouth. Let me ask you would ever fuck with a guy smoking 3 cigarettes at the same time? No, because you know that guy would probably run you over with a monster truck blasting Motley Crew while chugging a beer. Bottom-line, nobody fucks with Dartmouth. Have you ever heard of the ‘Dartmouth Explosion’...me neither….

2) The fumes warm up the city naturally.

Let’s be real: financially, unless you're living in Portland Estates, you're no better off than the average hobo. So how are you going to pay for all that ‘wacky-tobacky’ if you’re spending it on damn carbon taxes? There’s no way that’s possible. The forefathers of Dartmouth envisioned our Dartfornia lifestyle well in advance; ensuring we would be warm and toasty thanks to the smoke being produced. I mean, yeah, it might cause global warming- but at least you can get a

cheap high.

3) It gets rid of unwanted birds.

Okay, picture this. You’re out on a date, with the love of your life, enjoying the beautiful waterfront of Dartmouth. The sky is a gorgeous baby blue, the sun is shining, and then you realize the smoke stacks are silent on the horizon. You notice the absence of the billowing smoke, when all of a sudden-- boom! You get those hated white fuckers, the ‘Seagulls’, coming in swarms and ruining your view of the beautiful city. Suddenly, the love of your life isn’t distracted anymore and they start noticing the worthless piece of shit you truly are and leave you for your best friend named Frank Hathaway. That's when you start crying and realize that you’ve been cock-blocked by seagulls, again.

Fear not, for those smoke stacks are near and they’ll be getting rid of those white feathered fucks in no time.

4) They remind you of Christmas.

Everything about the smoke stacks screams “festive.” The red and white pattern shows off Santa’s colours, and the smoke that reminds you of the chimney he enters. Also, the smoke kinda reminds you of the many darts your dad hacks around the holidays. Typically, this upsets your mom because all she wants in life is your dad to be healthy; but he doesn’t see that, all he sees is the alcohol in the kitchen cabinet that longs for his return from work. He doesn’t even say hi to you when he enters the door. He just shuts you out of his life, and goes to the liquor- much like the girls you once dated. Anyways, don’t let that distract from the fact the smoke stacks are festive BAYBEE!

5) It’s Iconic.

Without the stacks, Dartmouth wouldn’t even have an identity. Do you know how many times I’m talking to friends at a party and I happen to mention that I’m from Dartmouth? Every time they respond with “Oh is that the place with the smoke stacks?!”. It’s what we’re known for! Which is something I think is totally unfair. We’re known for a lot things... our superbly high rates of teenage pregnancy and crime (we would have the highest rate of high school dropouts but that honour goes to Spryfield). Why doesn’t anyone want to talk about that? There’s only so much you can talk about those three fucking pillars. No wonder I drink like my dad at parties.

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