Why You (and Both of Your Friends) Should Get Bowl Cuts

Adrian Filice
January 21, 2019

As the years barrel onwards trends come and go transforming the sex symbols of yesteryears into outdated goobers through a modern lens. If the ancient Greeks taught us anything, it’s that nothing matters more than your legacy. So, what is a style that can stand the test of time, rendering its wearer an undeniable Adonis through centuries? The obvious answer, of course, is the bowl cut.

King Hammurabi in 1789 BCE gave the first bowl cut during the First Babylonian Dynasty. It was given to his eldest son so that he may be as great as his father one day. Since that day the bowl cut became a timeless status symbol.

In addition to this, the bowl cut is the most practical haircut; it’s optimized for peak performance. The perfect straight edge makes it physically impossible for hair to get into your eyes. The arc of the hair mimics the airfoil found on the wings of planes and may provide you with some lift if you run fast enough. Another fact that very few people are aware of is that the shape of the bowl cut actually optimizes the arrangement of hairs on your head, binding them together perfectly. This makes the bowl cut completely waterproof as well as fire retardant. Why do you think the scientific-combat genius, Edna Mode from The Incredibles sports a bowl cut variant?

This is good and all but what is it that makes the bowl cut stylish? To answer this we must first ask what makes any haircut stylish? There are four central principles that an excellent hairstyle should take into account:

1) The way it falls into place

2) How much product you have to use to style it

3) If it grows out well, and

4) If it looks natural, like you were born with it on your head.

First, it is almost axiomatic to say that the bowl cut effortlessly falls into place every single time. Every hair is the exact same length; this guarantees you stress-free consistency. It frames everyone’s face perfectly because it only creates a single line. There is no needless preoccupation with cheekbones or the width of one’s face. So long as there is an upper limit to your face, the bowl cut will work for you.

Second, you don’t need product. Why would you pollute aesthetic perfection with slimy goo or harsh hairspray? Many say that the bowl cut circumvents the need for washing one’s hair.

Third, obviously it grows out well! Expect the tips of your hair to inch forward in perfect unison like a Greek phalanx. Rumor has it that some hyper-intellectuals with bowl cuts have trained their hair to never grow past their eyebrows. This can allegedly be achieved through daily meditation and expensive nootropics.

Finally, anyone who has ever seen anyone with a bowl cut can honestly say they it looks like they came out of the womb with it slapped on their head.

If none of this is enough to convince you to get a bowl cut, then you probably don’t have the mental capacity to wield one anyway. Alternatively, if this article has in fact convinced you feel free to join me on January 24 at What’s the Buzz to get a life-altering haircut.

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