Opinions

Wine About It

By
Christopher Vanderburgh
on
December 11, 2018

What wine pairs best with beef? Which brand should you take to that event that feels more like obligation than socialization? As is often the case with alcohol there are questions and I have answers. In the world of adult beverages the only thing more frustrating than that guy you know that's “really into nano-brews right now” is not being able to decide which bottle of wine to pick for what. Today we’ll examine a few favourites and a few possible pairings.


1. Great White Wine

Great White Wine is your classic fortified dessert wine. Coming in a 1500 millilitre bottle at an affordable cost of eighteen dollars this particular beverage pairs well with needing sunglasses to open the refrigerator the day after you enjoy it. Of particular interest are the notes of forgetting you’ve asked the same question fifteen times and the occasional hint of falling face first
up your front steps. The experience is best described as “incredibly poor.”


2. Barefoot Moscato

Barefoot Moscato is yet another very affordable dessert wine. If you’re looking to enjoy slowly sipping on a glass of wine before a calm night of course related reading you should choose literally anything else. The taste profile evokes words such as “nauseating” or “dangerous.” As soon as this particular wine touches your taste buds you’ll instantly remember your ex’s phone number. Instagram photos immediately following imbibing a bottle will feature a very cross-eyed you.


3. Spumante Bambino or Baby Duck Rosé

Nothing says class like a sparkling wine. Spumante Bambino and Baby Duck both come in at under twenty bucks and taste nothing alike. Pairs well with having nobody to kiss on New Year's Eve. Also pairs well with trying to pretend you haven’t pissed your pants waiting in line for the bar. With notes of getting kicked out of the Dome for smoking a joint in the bathroom these budget sparkling wines are a prime choice for any event you’d wear a cheap suit to. These particular vintages are best enjoyed shortly before texting “You up?” to every single woman you’ve ever met.

4. London XXX Apera

The granddaddy of fortified wines, London XXX is the Alcoholics Anonymous 2016 “Best Bang for Your Buck” award recipient. You can pick one of these up for less than the cost of the ensuing property damage you will undoubtedly perpetrate. If memory loss is the goal this wine skips right past that and permanently wipes the hard drive. Pairs well with throwing up in the street at three in the morning or “What in the fuck happened last night?” Perhaps the finest liquid ever engineered by an aggressive hill billy, most sommeliers agree that this is suited to a night of fist fights at the Vil or mediocre sex with a hard four.


5. Red or White

Red or white wine, what to say about that. These pair well with having beer instead or looking like a massive douchebag on a first date. These varieties will definitely be consumed in excess and the cheaper you can get it the better. Some would say its best to simply spend a lovely Saturday “slapping a bag” of any of these. Whatever your beverage of choice may be, make sure that it pairs well with the responsible adult decisions they regularly result in. Whether you’re trying to compliment the taste of ketchup chips or donair you can guarantee any wine consumed in university will be accompanied by the taste of a serious case of the spins.

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