Canada

BREAKING: Woody Returns To Mic Mac Mall As a Giant Sex Toy

For decades now Mic Mac Mall’s finest Christmas hero “Woody” the Christmas tree has been on hiatus. Many children who grew up with the beloved tree still remember...

“Do You Hear What I Hear” to be banned from radio play due to taunting of deaf and blind people.

Last week it was decided that “Baby it’s Cold Outside” was to be banned from being played on the radio. Song analysts have determined the song promotes rape...

In Effort to Curb Rising Provincial Depression Rates Liberal Government to Deport Everyone from Dartmouth

Premier of Nova Scotia Stephen McNeil decided to announce his government’s new policy for fighting rising depression rates in Nova Scotia deporting every man...

Teacher at Halifax-area High School Loses Their Shit When Student Takes Their Snickers Bar

The RCMP were doing their daily check-in at Cole Harbour High one afternoon, when they noticed an incident taking place in one of the classrooms...

To Combat Rising Fentanyl Related Cocaine Overdoses, Government of Canada Decides to Stop Printing Money

The Government of Canada announced on Monday that they intend to completely stop printing money. Citing preventative measures to combat fentanyl-related cocaine...

You WONT Believe Who This University Hired To Run It's Student Newspaper

Wow! On September 24th the ASU announced that they had appointed a new Editor in Chief for the Athenaeum, the university’s official newspaper. In an attempt...

Free Speech STRAIGHT UP MURDERED during Local ELEMENTARY School’s PLAY by ‘CENTRIST’

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was recently shushed by a valiant centrist at her son’s play. According to sources, the son’s...

Rick Mehta Remarks “It Was Just A Prank, Bro”

Recently fired Psychology Professor Rick Mehta from Acadia University, Wolfville provided his perspective on the proceedings in an effort to improve the...

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HOROSCOPES

Gemini

A person from your past might be holding you back from enjoying the present. Buy a knife. Free yourself.

Aquarius

It's time to get creative about the whole "dating" thing... Online dating/Tinder? Not for you... Blind dates? Nope! Standing outside someone's window with a boombox playing Peter Gabriel songs? Cheesy! Why don't you try writing a cryptic coded letter to the cutie eyeing you in the library? Try some runic symbols, go old school!

Scorpio

Are you sure about that?

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